matt grant

how to be useless

I have a tendancy to want to be alone.

Maybe it stems from struggling with a lack of self-confidence in the past. Feeling self-conscious about everything I do.

Maybe it’s my way of avoiding failure and accountability. Of avoiding the expectations of others. If it’s just me, there’s nobody to answer to except myself.

If I’m alone then there’s nobody around to criticise. There’s nobody watching.

It took me a while to realise that nobody cares anyway.

I don’t know what it is. But I’ve always been that way inclined. Just me, on my own. Maybe one other person. But that’s about it.

Find a space to play and I’m happy. Find a space to move, to use my hands and feet and I’m away. Find a space to sit and think, undisturbed.

But that’s just doing things for me. My curiosity, my experiments, my games. These things are all useless to everyone else. I play for my own sake, nothing more.

I could design my life around this. Everything optimised to spend the greatest amount of time alone, exploring. I’d be doing exactly what I wanted, just for me, in isolation, with no thought for anybody else.

But is that really what I want? I don’t know. Is it the selfish thing to do? Maybe. Could I be better off with more people around me? Quite possibly.

Maybe it’s just a case of not having found the right people yet.

For the moment this is all just a theory. Maybe I need to try it in practice.